Accepting sexuality through meditation

At the age of 47, Nick Kientsch is an ex-Buddhist monk who now dedicates his time towards supporting emotional and mental well-being among gay men through meditation. He runs weekly classes in London and provides a place where gay and bi men can meet in a non-judgemental environment and socialise in a relaxed and friendly group. Being gay is a given and so it is not an issue.

Nick came to London 12 years ago and what he experienced was gay men being quite cruel to each other. "When you’re on the scene and if you’re going out to clubs, if you don’t look right, or you’ve not got the right body, if you’re the wrong age, there are so many things people can end up making you feel worse about yourself."

Nick had an example of how gay men can shame each other from his own experience. When he first arrived in London, it was all about being smooth and waxed. One memorable instance for him was when he was in a club, in a shirt like the one he’s wearing now – a cotton white tee with a few buttons undone, revealing the upper section of his chest. Nick takes his hand to his chest and tugs at a few strands of hair, "a young guy went past and took some of my chest hair and went 'Ew hair' as if it was revolting".

Nick goes on to talk about the wider issues around body dysmorphia, substance misuse and sexual addiction amongst gay men. "It’s not that there’s anything innately unhealthy about having been born gay, but if you grew up in a society telling you you’re wrong, you internalise a certain amount of shame and low self-esteem - it's been called 'minority stress', where you feel as if you are alone and the only one feeling as you do, and it can have an impact as bad as growing up in a war zone as it creates post traumatic stress type symptoms."

Nick wanted to create a space that didn’t have these prejudices. He’s been running the classes for eight years now and regularly gets between 25 to 40 men coming to the group, showing the desire there is to have that experience. "When I teach I have people who are Christian, people who have no religion, people who are Muslim, Jewish – so I quite like that feeling that it could be a tool that anyone can use in their lives."

He first used meditation as a tool at the age of 19. Nick hadn’t accepted it at the time, but he was starting to realise that he was gay. He attended counselling and one of the things suggested to him was meditation. He initially taught himself through books, and a year later went to a public talk about different religions’ attitude to sexuality – particularly towards same sex attraction.

The Buddhist speaker stood up and described how in Buddhism it wasn’t really an issue. He outlined the deeper purpose of meditation practice, which is about awakening and becoming free from suffering. Nick’s face lights up, "in his presentation, something just clicked. And I got a sense of 'Well that’s it. I’m a Buddhist'".

Nick graduated in English language and literature and Italian Renaissance Art with a 2:1, but found that his passion was meditation and a spiritual life. He went back to Cambridge where he’d grown up and went to live in a Buddhist community.

After three years, Nick decided to leave and spent a few months visiting different monasteries around the UK. He chose one in Northumberland which was part of the Thai Forest Tradition and lived there for three years before moving to another monastery in the same tradition based in Hertfordshire, called Amaravati, where he lived for a further three years before disrobing and moving to London. He wasn’t paid but he was given the necessities: food, clothing, and accommodation. "You lose your independence going into the monastery, you can leave at any point so you’re a free person in that sense, but as long as you stay in the monastery you abide by their guidance."

The tradition required celibacy, so there was no sexual activity, which included no masturbation. "It was the biggest struggle, because I went in when I was 27 and I’d become celibate when I was 22." Nick feels that he hadn’t emotionally finished coming out as gay. He wasn’t physically comfortable and wishes he adopted the lifestyle a decade later, using his 20s as a time for exploration.

"Everything else, to be honest, I enjoyed. I enjoyed the simplicity - living a clear routine, having lots of space to meditate. While there’s a structure holding you, there’s quite a lot of space so it was up to you how you used that time. It was like a perpetual university experience but without any drink."

Nick didn’t teach at the monastery but when he came to London a friend encouraged him to teach. He decided to go ahead and see if he could set up a group for gay men. "I chose gay men because, I’m gay, but more because it’s what I would have liked to have found when I came to London.

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